The English want Klinsmann: Our dirty little plan to make it happen

(Published on June 29, 2016 in The Philly Soccer Page)

English newspaper columnists have called for their national team to hire Jurgen Klinsmann as head coach, because apparently he has been so successful for the U.S. National Team.

I know what you’re thinking, because I’m thinking the same thing:

This could be our way out! They might take Klinsmann off our hands! The English, of all people!

We simply must do everything possible to make this happen. For that, we must keep them thinking that Klinsmann is a good coach, instead of what he really is: a friendly visionary with great soccer credentials who talks a great game but cannot coach an actual team full of actual, real, live people.

Right now, every Klinsmann critic (including me) should agree on one thing:

Be very, very quiet.

Nod. Smile. Go along with this. Maintain that poker face.

Whatever you do, do not object. Don’t try to correct them. Don’t explain to them just how bad Klinsmann has been. Keep yourself from laughing when Klinsmann is called “a giant leap forward in tactical terms”. They clearly haven’t watched actual U.S. national team games, but that’s to our benefit. Please, for the love of God, do nothing to change their minds.

If necessary, channel your inner Donald Trump to help yourself lie more convincingly, even if you have to choke back the bile just at the thought of it. “Tremendous job,” you can tell your English friends in your best Trump voice. “Absolutely the best. All he does is win. Everyone else is a loser.”

Don’t worry about details. The English don’t care about details, as their vote to exit the European Union showed. You can lie to them very easily for months, and most won’t figure it out until after you’ve basically wrecked their country (and a unified Europe, but hey, who’s counting?). You can easily trick them for your own short-term gain, as Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage, and Michael Gove can attest. They just blatantly made stuff up, and most Brits didn’t figure it out until too late.

If they could do that with the future of all of Britain at hand, how hard could it be to snow them about a soccer coach?

And when you think about it, what’s one more bad decision on top of the mammoth, earth-shaking, market-crashing, stunningly bad decisions the English have made lately? Compared to blowing up the European Union, taking Klinsmann from us is a minor thing.

So we have a real shot here. Don’t feel bad about duping them on Klinsmann. The English almost want to be duped lately. They kind of have it coming.

Granted, there could be some problems with a Klinsmann move to England. For example, the country’s notorious work permit process will only become worse after Britain formally leaves the EU, which, by the way, will probably hurt the English Premier League because many foreign players may fail to get work permits. Now, if only the English had known this before they followed a bunch of hucksters out of the EU…

But put those matters aside. Those are for the Brits to worry about. Or rather, for the English to worry about. Pretty soon there may be no “British” anymore, as Scotland and Northern Ireland are already seeing secessionist movements gain momentum as they seek to leave Britain and stay with the EU, and Wales … well, forget Wales. Everyone else seems to.

Back to Klinsmann.

Klinsmann to England. Whatever it takes. Just make it happen.

And pssst: Don’t tell the English about our plan. We can keep it a secret. Their Internet searches skim over the word “soccer” anyway, so they’ll never read this. The English have forgotten that they invented the word “soccer.” Sadly, it’s just one of many ways the people of a once great country have lost sight of who they are — or rather, who they were.

Hours © Daniel Walsh 2020
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